My life is currently like the reclaim bucket - hard, drying, crusty lumps of mud slowly breaking down to slurry. It is more dirty water than usable clay.
Financially, we are approaching code red. My husband has been unemployed nearly six months; we own a rental property than has been on the market over 300 days with no buyers in site. If the property is not sold, we will default on not only it, but our own home.
I cannot bring myself to walk out to my studio. I cannot stop thinking that in 30 days I may have to give it all up. I am disengaging as a strategy for survival. I am distancing myself from the thing that brought me the most joy in the entire world.
In November, 2015, Whistlepig Studio featured a blog post on Jill's work at the Montana Women's Prison (http://www.whistlepigtales.com/whistlepigstudio/2015/11/7/the-monster-is-enough). Whistlepig Studio creates contemporary mythology out of individual stories to empower the individual. Turning our fears into strengths; converting monster to ally through a series of creative engagements.
Jill worked with these women to make guardian monsters to embody turning weaknesses into strength, and shadow monsters which addressed the destructive side of inner dialogue. While Jill's clients normally keep their work, the inmates are not afforded that luxury; so, Jill took the bone dry pieces and destroyed them along the banks of a creek where the elements, time, and water would finish them, returning them to the earth, washing away the detritus the monster left behind.
Mentally, I have constructed my monsters, and I have inscribed them in my heart. While I am more dirty water than rich, malleable clay, I will dry out. And, like clay on a riverbed, when I am dry enough to handle, I will be pressed, and wedged over and over until I align with myself once more. I will be formed again into something beautiful. But first, I need to drain off the excess water, sit open to the air, and allow time to do her work.
I have faith in that last second Hail Mary, and in Jill's monsters. So, do me a favor, get out your lucky tchotchkes, cross your fingers, and say a prayer, please. And, if during your ramblings, you find a shadow monster along the banks, step on it for me.